Pokemon Red Forbidden Version
by ElectiveVotation
Summary: My satirical portayal of Pokemon Red and what the Pokemon series has done to harm it through time. I literally just poke fun, and screw up the Pokemon universe with my own characters. Updates weekly. If I can. Rated M for a lot of things.
1. 1: When Hearts Meet

And lo and behold! My first satirical comedy begins! No flaming, criticism is appreciated. I don't own Pokemon, If i did then every second word I'd say would be money. Anyway the first chapter is basically introducing you to the whole fic. Rated M for excessive language, sexual references, drug references(not that many in this chapter), themes, violence(not so much here), crude humor and pretty much the whole batch.

* * *

The PLAYER gets out his old Gameboy, complete with Hello Kitty stickers and a mysterious gooey solution on it. Slotting in Pokemon Red he turns on the magic box-rectangle-whatever and begins the game.

GAMEBOY: YOU HAVE JUST LOST THE GAME

PLAYER: What?

GAMEBOY: YOU HAVE IMMEDIATLEY MISLAID THE PASTIME

PLAYER: That makes even less sense!

GAMEBOY: THE NEXT WORD YOU SAY AND YOU HAVE PERMANENTLY LOST THE GAME

PLAYER: This is bulls***!

GAMEBOY: You save file has been deleted, congratulations. *beep*

PLAYER: TT_TT

GAMEBOY: Congratulations, son. You have initiated the secret part of Pokémon Red. Now you'll be able to enjoy the full potential of the game!

PLAYER: :D

GAMEBOY: By becoming part of it.

PLAYER: D:

GAMEBOY zaps PLAYER inside game.

GAMEBOY: Men, commence operation Desert Storm.

* * *

This tale of negligible triumph over good and evil…waiiiiiiiit. I screwed that up, can we retake? I mean seriously! Hey WAIT! Don't just cut me off like the Sopra-

*Insert teeny bopper theme song here*

SOME OLD MAN appears on a magic circular platform surrounded by random colors. Has someone been taking drugs?

SOME OLD MAN: I have bestowed upon you the gift of life my son. Use it well.

TRAINER: What the hell am I doing here?!?! I was just about to play this on my gameboy!

SOM: …

PLAYER: SERIOUSLY! What the f*** just happened? I have dinner at five!

SOM: You have dinner at five?

TRAINER: That's not the point! Why the f*** am I in this game!?!?!?!

SOM: My son, may you go in peace out into the world and entrap these creatures.

TRAINER: HEY! Are you trying to get rid of me!?

SOME OLD MAN ignores him points to something that looks like the love child of a purple bunny and rhino.

TRAINER: Interesting description author…

AUTHOR: DON'T YOU F***ING BREAK THE FOURTH WLL YOU A***OLE.

SOM: And you must entrap them, in BALLS!

TRAINER: I KNOW THAT! I've been doing it for the past ten years!

SOM glares at TRAINER.

TRAINER: Plus, why the hell are you SOME OLD MAN? Don't you have a name! I'm not calling you SOM…

SOM: TRAINER…I AM YOUR FATHER.

TRAINER: It's the first chapter, do we really need a Star Wars joke?

AUTHOR: He is your father…

TRAINER: Wha? Huh? I'm freaking ten! And he's like *checks Wikipedia* fifty!

SOM: Meh, I started late.

TRAINER is unwittingly teleported into the middle of his room with a massive headache. Wondering what the f*** happened last night.

TRAINER: What the f*** happened last night.

VOICE: Yoohoo.

TRAINER turns around to see…

TRAINER: MOM! I mean the trainer's mom!

MOM: Yes. I'm your mother. Now get out of my room.

TRAINER: I thought this was MY room!

MOM: Not after what you did last night. You naughty little boy

TRAINER: *pukes*

MOM: Oh no dear! You should get that cleaned up! Go to PROFESSOR OAK.

TRAINER: Mom, how can Professor Oak help me? He's a PROFESSOR.

MOM: Just go! Or do you want to stay?*sways hip*

TRAINER jumps out the window.

MOM: Remember! Come home to Poke your mom once in a awhile!

TRAINER smashes face first into the ground.

TRAINER: Ow.

AUTHOR: Why the hell did you jump out the window?

TRAINER: Mom, bed, me, sleep, she-

AUTHOR: STOP. Stop like you did halfway through last night!

TRAINER: O.o

AUTHOR: I wrote this story, didn't I?

TRAINER: May I ask you two questions?

AUTHOR: Shoot. Shoot like you failed to last night.

TRAINER: -_-

AUTHOR: Okay I'll stop. Stop lik-

TRAINER: SHUTTAF***UP!!!

AUTHOR: …

TRAINER: *Calms down*Okay, first. Why are our NAMES in CAPS?

AUTHOR: TO add ORIGINALITY.

TRAINER: How?

AUTHOR: You see caps add more flavor to the text and make it stand out, which in turn when it goes under the scanner machine the standing out words get recognized more and absorbed into the machine and ground down into the meat for Krusty Burgers.

TRAINER: Okay….lets skip that. Second, since you have decided to create a fanfic, adding to the numerous others trapped in the sea of fanfics, answer me, WHY THE F*** IT IS CHOCK FULL OF SEXUAL COMMENTS, SWEARING, BAD HUMOUR, INCEST, RETARDED PARENTS, OLD MEN WHO TAKE THINGS SLOW AND WHY THE F*** DID YOU ZAP ME INTO THIS GAME?!?!?!?

AUTHOR: *speechless* Umm…oh looky there, you should be going to Oak's now. Bye!

TRAINER: GET BACK HERE YOUR FRUITY B**TARD!

Slience.

TRAINER: I KNOW YOUR THERE!

More silence.

TRAINER: DA**IT *walks off to Oaks*

TRAINER walks on for days and days, through sleet, rain, heat waves, tidal waves, houses, earthquakes, volcanoes, Santa-

TRAINER: GETONWITHIT.

Until he reaches Oak's van really fast.

TRAINER: Did you just say van? Oh s***.

DO IT.

TRAINER: Why should I?

THE PLOT.

TRAINER: I've had enough of plots holding me down! I wanna be free! *runs off to tall grass*

VOICE: STOOOOOOOOOOOP. LIKE YOU DID LA-

TRAINER: WHO THE F*** ARE YOU, AND HOW DO YOU KNOW OF MY- you know what, just screw it. I'm not adding to this fanfic's already booming sexuality jokes.

The guy who just used his VOICE walks out from behind TRAINER, a gun in his hand.

GUY WHO USED HIS VOICE: Give me the smash kid.

TRAINER: Whaat?

GWUHV: GIVE IT TO ME!

VOICE: STOP! LIKE YO-

TRAINER: WAS THAT RECORDED OR SOMETHING?!!?

The other guy who used his VOICE steps out from behind the guy who used his VOICE.

TRAINER: Professor Oak!

OGWUHV: Who's that? I'm SOME OLD MAN.

TRAINER: :l

OGWUHV: *noticing GWUHV holding TRAINER* Unhand him you fool!

TRAINER: Thank you!

OGWUHV: You don't understand his power! He can transform any moment! And each time he transforms, he gets stronger!

GWUVH: You serious?

TRAINER: You retarded?

OGWUHV: ALL OF THE ABOVE!

TRAINER: -.-;;

GWUHV: Please sir! Allow me to train under you! I will sacrifice my most sacred thing for you!

OGWUHV: Whass that?

GWUHV: My virginity!

TRAINER: DON'T MAKE ME LISTEN TO THIS, AUTHOR!

AUTHOR: *thwacks TRAINER on the head with a folded newspaper* Sshhhhh! This is a character building moment!

TRAINER: Ow. Waiiiiit. HE"S A RECURRING CHARACTER?!?!

AUTHOR nods while GWUHV and OGWUHV walk off holding hands

TRAINER: KILL ME! SMITE ME GOD! SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!

AUTHOR: You forget I'm god here…

TRAINER: Damnit…um…GOD! I committed incest last night!

AUTHOR: Not good enough.

TRAINER: I ATE BABIES!

AUTHOR shakes his head.

TRAINER: I FAILED TO PERFORM A SHORYUKEN!

AUTHOR gasps. Then shakes his head in disappointment.

TRAINER: DAMNIT…I BROKE THE FOURTH WALL!

AUTHOR is instantly pissed off and smites him with a bolt of lightning. A cloud of dust rises up, like every other time when the suspense is being held.

AUTHOR: There you go you homosexual clownfish.

TRAINER: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!

AUTHOR: O.o

TRAINER: Im a…Ima…IMA

AUTHOR: *in Mario voice* POK-E-MON!

TRAINER: Yes, but which one? This stupid cloud of dust-

AUTHOR: Suspense

TRAINER: Cloud of suspense isn't lifting! Waiiit you should know what Pokémon you made me!

AUTHOR: Um…this is for plot purposes!

TRAINER: …I want to gut you SO much.

AUTHOR: Wait. You can see the cloud. Right?

TRAINER: Yes…

AUTHOR: THAT MEANS YOU HAVE EYES!

TRAINER: So does every other Pokemon…

* * *

There you have it! The first chapter. Stay tuned for more! Also more importantly, REVIEW. PLEASE. If you do I will post a video of me doing the peanut butter jelly dance naked on Youtube!*

*Not really.


	2. 2: Heaven's Bliss

NINJA UPDATE!

Guess what? Yep. Bad news and Good news time. Good News:I'm updating early!  
Bad News: Humor toned down for character development.

Now I know you all are going ONHOZ! or D: after reading that but we get to meet more characters in this! *thumbs up with cheesy salesman smile*

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We come back to our heroes. The AUTHOR and TRAINER. They are in the middle of a small linear patch of grass at the northern exit of Pallet town, and of course, they are nonetheless, attempting to figure out something the AUTHOR should already know.

AUTHOR: Well…Touch your face!

TRAINER: *feels face* There's something long on it, it's pointed at the tip. Any ideas what it is?

AUTHOR is silent.

TRAINER: C'mon. Help me out here!

AUTHOR: I'm thinking. Hmm. What is long and has a pointed tip?

TRAINER: Oh…you don't mean…that?

AUTHOR: …Congratulations. You have a penis for a face.

TRAINER: *swearing under his breath* Ummm…It's orange?

AUTHOR: That does not help your case.

TRAINER: It could be a beak.

AUTHOR: Or a multicultural penis.

TRAINER: Well…I can see my body, it's brown.

AUTHOR starts chuckling

TRAINER: *annoyed* Oh c'mon. What now!

AUTHOR: BWAHAHAHAHA

TRAINER: What?

AUTHOR: You're a pile of shit with a penis for a face!

The suspense clears. A look of pure horror appears on the AUTHOR'S face.

AUTHOR: HOLY SHIT

TRAINER: What?!?!

AUTHOR: You're EVEN worse than that!

TRAINER: How is it possible to be worse than dung with genitals for a face?

AUTHOR: You're a FARFETCH'D

TRAINER: OH MOTHER OF FUCK

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Up in the great shrine in the sky. Some white thing-

AUTHOR: RACISM

NARRATOR: YOU WROTE THIS

AUTHOR: CONTINUE

Is sitting upon a throne. Which it is doing quite well considering it has four legs. It also has an ornate pinwheel shape around its abdomen and disturbing green eyes.

SOME WHITE THING: Johnny! Johnny, get me the baby lotion!

READERS: Waiiiiit. Why does he sound like Fred?

AUTHOR: I needed someone with a squeaky voice.

READERS: His voice isn't squeaky…

AUTHOR: SHADDUP AND GETONWITHIT!

A giant blue floating head with a large red cap and a HUGE FREAKING MUSTACHE floats in.

JOHNNY: MY NAME IS MARIO GODDAMNIT

SWT: Whatever, get me some baby lotion!

MARIO: WHY DO YOU NEED ME TO GET IT! YOU'RE FREAKING ARCEUS, GOD OF TEH POKEMANS! YOU COULD JUST SUMMON IT RIGHT FUCKING HERE!

ARCEUS: *While angrily pointing its appendages* I'm god of the Pokemans. BUT I CAN ONLY CONTROL POKEMANS! NOW GO GET ME MY BABY LOTION YOU SENTIMENTAL DOUCHE. AND GIVE ME BACK MY LINKIN PARK ALBUMS TOO!

MARIO: THEY'RE CURE ALBUMS!

ARCEUS: That too. *files nails…err…hooves*

MARIO: *floating off* Stupid she male faggot, fish, nutless, flaming, bunny banging, cockbag. Why does that damn ARCEUS need baby lotion anyway!?

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AUTHOR: Calm down. You can still continue your journey.

TRAINER: HOW?!

_Pause _

AUTHOR: Dunno.

TRAINER: *angry but silent*

AUTHOR: Um…

TRAINER: *No change*

AUTHOR: I give up! You're a bird whose genitals decided to move to his face! How the hell am I supposed to do anything about it!

TRAINER: Well. If I have to go through this. So do you.

AUTHOR: NO WAY. I AM NOT LEAVING MY SKY CONDO.

TRAINER: Well…get me someone else to suffer with!

AUTHOR: Miley Cyrus?

TRAINER: Please. I'd rather be covered in the fecal matter of a moose.

AUTHOR: Your dear mother isn't here right now.

TRAINER: *Furious*MY MOTHER IS NOT A MOOSE!

AUTHOR: *enjoying this*I can make her a moose.

TRAINER: Damn you.

AUTHOR: Okay. Now the suffering partner you wanted?

TRAINER: Hmmm… *looks down at himself* How about a female Farfetch'd?

AUTHOR: You have no genitals. Plus you have stooped lower than Miley Cyrus herself.

TRAINER: Pole dancing for kids.

AUTHOR: Almost as low…

TRAINER: Okay, I want a busty blonde girl then. Who has a Farfetch'd fetish

AUTHOR: *look of disgust on his face*

TRAINER: What?

AUTHOR: IN the best interest of not letting this fic become a furry sex romp your new partner is now a Mudkip. *crosses arms and bows head like a genie then poofs*

TRAINER: THIS IS POKEMON RED THOUGH!!!

VOICE: *In a fake Californian accent* Ohai! I heard you liek Mudkips.

TRAINER: *turns around very warily with both eyes closed*

*insert suspense here*

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We now bring you to or ever lovable Mario, in the palace of Arceus, the break room to be exact, but to be more exact, in the shower…

MARIO: CRAAAAAAWWWWWWWLING IN MY SKIN. THESE WOUNDS, THEY'LL NEVER HEEEAL!

VOICE: WHAT IS THAT INCESSANT RACKET!

MARIO: ITSA ME! MARIO!

VOICE: *walks into shower* Why did you just use that voice?

MARIO: I don't know, Higgins. It's like something spurred inside me, something that forced me to make that voice.

VOICE: IZ TAHT WAT I HERD?

HIGGINS: *looking around* Oh dear god. Not that crooning cuttlefish again.

VOICE: WAT YA DOIN IN THAIRE? *looks into the shower* OH DEAH LURD!

HIGGINS: SILENCE! Goddamnit, what is the matter here? We are Pokemon. We are naturally naked anyway. And just as well, cease using god's name in vain!

ARCEUS: I CAN HEAR YOU!!! WHERE IS MY BABY LOTION!!!

The VOICE runs away down the hall.

HIGGINS: Oh god. My Umbreonic ears are oh so sensitive to that woman's voice. I would rather have sewage wax shoved down my throat thank you.

MARIO: Two questions. First: You mean Greg? He's a man… Second: What's sewage wax?

HIGGINS: It's what they use to clean the sewage. What else would it be!

MARIO: *baffled*Okay…Why would they clean sewage?

HIGGINS: So they can filter it into clean water. But of course not all the sewage is still perfectly sanitary. *walking off*

MARIO: …*silently looks up at shower that is pumping liters of water onto him*

All is silent.

Still Silent…

STILL silent…

STILL SILENT GODDAMNIT!

GREG: OHHHH! CUE MEH AGEN PLEAS!

NARRATOR: *grumbling* All is silent.

GREG: WAAT! YER PREGNENT! WHO THE HELL KNOCK'D YA THIS TIEM?!

MARIO: *snaps back to reality* Waiiit. Why the hell am I taking a shower? I'm a Rock type! *looks at shower* Oh noz. *Reality*

MARIO's screams are heartrending.

ARCEUS: WHERES MY BABY LOTION!!!

*cue fade to black*

AUTHOR: Now that was good… It was like I wrapped up sitcoms and famous character's names and mixed in some barbecue sauce and smoked them through a pipe. *sniffs* Ahhhh…

We hear a thump on the table. Yah. That's it. Live with it. My shift is over.

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How was that? Huh? HUH? Well. I actually do want to know .;;. Review! REVIEW! RREEEEEVVVIIEEEWW!!! GOD COMMANDS IT. I COMMAND IT. YOUR CONSCIENCE COMMANDS IT.

Also if you guys don't know who Fred is. You have not lived...err...I mean go to Youtube and type in Fred. If you don't know what Youtube is...well...may god help you. Or those people that fine you if they find out you've read something or SEEN(porn) something you are to young to see. I did not make that up.

G'night all!


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